Five Years Ago... Writen Oct.7, 2010

Five years ago tomorrow, on October 7, 2005, I left my life in St.Louis behind. Embarking on a journey that would lead me in directions I never could have foreseen, It seems that I've come full circle. Intent on finding my inner outdoorsman, I gave myself a 'handle' of NorthWestern Adventurer.... I started a blog of my 'New Life' so all could see what a wonderful place I had moved to, and what great life i was going to lead...

With the dawn of Facebook, my blog went to hell. I've spent the last few weeks re-reading it, reliving the time when i sounded and seemed so innocent, although words that rarely would describe me, leaving everything behind, and starting a world 2200 miles away from all that i know familiar, and comfortable was a great feat for me.... My first road trip alone... making decisions without others opinions, just going, and re-creating...

My life up here didn't turn out as I thought it would. but, controversially, I'm not one to live with many regrets. I've lost nearly everything repeatedly. I've brought hell upon my life, and hell upon others. I've learned from my mistakes, and I've made bigger mistakes, because it was far more exciting to take 'that' route, than follow the safe responsible one. I still make mistakes. I still make bad decisions. I change my mind. I hold back. I hurt myself. I hurt others. I give when no one's looking, and receive like i never should.

I'm 35 and ... I live...

I've created this life, this existence that's LOADED with larger than life stories to tell... The things i've done, the things i should have. The shame, the hysterics, the excentricity in which i've carried myself through... but most of it's probably just in my head.... I live for the thrill and excitement of saying i did it... and it's all for me. I make myself happy. I make myself laugh. I make myself angry. I make myself sad. I struggle every day....

The most eventful year of my life was not senior year... My first apartment.. .My first love... My first house... My first car, it wasn't 365 days.... It started as the year that I let it all go to 'find myself', traveled Northwesterly, paused for several years, and picked back up here ... 2010 started with a Bang... An Ugly bang and a 'Ron Gone'.... Saddled up next to a stunning man that I don't know actually existed. Something clicked, or maybe snapped, within me, and all that seemed normal, did an 'about face'... For the first time... EVER... I didn't just hear, I listened. I didn't just 'cover it up', i changed it. I quit saying 'i'm TRYING'... and I DID IT....

and through the course of this year... i've lost. Regained. Fell behind. Tripped, Stumbled and Fell on my face. Picked myself up. Tried again. Ran full steam in the wrong direction. crawled in the right one. CRASHED.

I don't have children, Neices, Nephews. I have a wonderful set of parents, a deeply loving and thoughtful sister... but who is there beyond?... I am single, and anticipate, without any thoughts of sadness or loneliness, that i will spend my future as such. So as much as many hate when i say this.. I have nothing else to live for, than myself...

my boss says "Ten 'atta-boys' can be erased with One 'oops' "

I say for every ONE thing i've done WRONG... I've done TEN things RIGHT... be it a photo I take so intense that it takes my breath away, the sincere Thank You of someone when I hold the door for them, standing on a mountain top, seeing more in that one moment than many will see in a lifetime, or standing on a dirty street corner of a far away city, noticing the beauty in the lines of a cracked cement. it's often just split seconds... but These moments flow intensely through me, and fill me with a contentment that triumphs over any pat on the back, compliment, or blue ribbon... Anyone who knows me, knows i love praise, but it's the moments that well up inside of me, that i can't share, or describe with anyone, moments that no one else can share with me, that FILL me with Life, and the power to keep moving forward.

Tomorrow I'm off on another Northwestern Adventure, to mark my 5 years here, and I'm happy to know that i'm finally headed in the direction that I intended long ago when i wrote these paragraphs on my arrival here. There is so much I'd like to add... So much I'd love to share. So many stories I want to continue telling... Maybe I will. If only i could STOP creating stories, photographic, and otherwise, to sit down and get it done...

My year as a tree...

As the snow begins to coat the hills of the Pend Oreille Valley, and freezing temperatures set in for the long haul of a NorthWest winter, I’m reminded of the changes in my life, so much like the seasons. Nearly a year has elapsed and left stripped of my facade, I’ve grown from, what could have appeared to be, near death. As though a towering tree in a setting of any late Autumn forest deep, I presented all of my colors. My ignorance, and inexperienced green, cowardly yellow, an unattractive angry shade of red. Shades emerged at the hint of a breeze, that I was sure I’d grown beyond with time and age. Then that Force of nature blew through, attempting to tear me down, and I found myself stripped of the leaves that so well hid the rough shell of my existence. Evidence of the poor soil I fed from, the nutrient stealing shrubbery all around me, and the direction I was leaning were evident to he who took a moment to notice.

Without this fluttering cover to hide the wretched reality of my dysfunctional ways, I was left standing, looking upon myself with two options; allow myself to keep my shallow roots in place, while I thickened my skin. Continue living on day to day, until ultimately, my branches would fall. I’d be left a snag, alone, only to blow down in one of the many storms that swept through my life. With the great assumption that people around me would remember me, that great tree, those grand colors! Never realizing that I was just a small insignificant piece of the forest. Bigger, Stronger, Wiser trees existed.

Or I could take notice of how I looked standing there naked, deeply unhappy, unhealthy, and living only for the moments when I could get others to notice, as the sun shined an occasional spotlight on me.

So, I decided dig deeper, stand taller, grow wiser. Immediately the changes were evident !!! It was spectacular… I felt invigorated by the transformation I felt within, and could witness of the actions, and reactions around . As the seasons changed, more comfortable weather left me sluggish and lazy, and slowly I found myself tired of working at it. Comfortable in my ways, it was often hard to keep pushing for the sky. But it would just take a good look back, to the embarrassment and discomfort of those flying colors I couldn’t control, moving forward to the incredible sense of pride I felt doing things right, even in growing within, the little things that only I would notice, and changes that only I would ever be aware of, and once again, I was back to digging deeper, grasping farther, and balancing all that is my life…

Now, a year later, Fall is turning to Winter, and I’m settling in, stripped of the pomp and circumstance, to have a good look at what I’ve achieved, what has left permanent scars, and what I’ve left to do, pieces to pick up, all to become a stronger more balanced structure. I’ll always want to be that one tree that gets noticed above most others, but as I’ve surely witnessed, A strong and noble tree can bear the scars and contrast of struggle, as well as grasp hold and embody obstacles of any form.

I’m welcoming this Winter as a time for me to sort out the many options I have for the future, and a time to rest, for next year will be my greatest yet….