Five years ago tomorrow, on October 7, 2005, I left my life in St.Louis behind. Embarking on a journey that would lead me in directions I never could have foreseen, It seems that I've come full circle. Intent on finding my inner outdoorsman, I gave myself a 'handle' of NorthWestern Adventurer.... I started a blog of my 'New Life' so all could see what a wonderful place I had moved to, and what great life i was going to lead...
With the dawn of Facebook, my blog went to hell. I've spent the last few weeks re-reading it, reliving the time when i sounded and seemed so innocent, although words that rarely would describe me, leaving everything behind, and starting a world 2200 miles away from all that i know familiar, and comfortable was a great feat for me.... My first road trip alone... making decisions without others opinions, just going, and re-creating...
My life up here didn't turn out as I thought it would. but, controversially, I'm not one to live with many regrets. I've lost nearly everything repeatedly. I've brought hell upon my life, and hell upon others. I've learned from my mistakes, and I've made bigger mistakes, because it was far more exciting to take 'that' route, than follow the safe responsible one. I still make mistakes. I still make bad decisions. I change my mind. I hold back. I hurt myself. I hurt others. I give when no one's looking, and receive like i never should.
I'm 35 and ... I live...
I've created this life, this existence that's LOADED with larger than life stories to tell... The things i've done, the things i should have. The shame, the hysterics, the excentricity in which i've carried myself through... but most of it's probably just in my head.... I live for the thrill and excitement of saying i did it... and it's all for me. I make myself happy. I make myself laugh. I make myself angry. I make myself sad. I struggle every day....
The most eventful year of my life was not senior year... My first apartment.. .My first love... My first house... My first car, it wasn't 365 days.... It started as the year that I let it all go to 'find myself', traveled Northwesterly, paused for several years, and picked back up here ... 2010 started with a Bang... An Ugly bang and a 'Ron Gone'.... Saddled up next to a stunning man that I don't know actually existed. Something clicked, or maybe snapped, within me, and all that seemed normal, did an 'about face'... For the first time... EVER... I didn't just hear, I listened. I didn't just 'cover it up', i changed it. I quit saying 'i'm TRYING'... and I DID IT....
and through the course of this year... i've lost. Regained. Fell behind. Tripped, Stumbled and Fell on my face. Picked myself up. Tried again. Ran full steam in the wrong direction. crawled in the right one. CRASHED.
I don't have children, Neices, Nephews. I have a wonderful set of parents, a deeply loving and thoughtful sister... but who is there beyond?... I am single, and anticipate, without any thoughts of sadness or loneliness, that i will spend my future as such. So as much as many hate when i say this.. I have nothing else to live for, than myself...
my boss says "Ten 'atta-boys' can be erased with One 'oops' "
I say for every ONE thing i've done WRONG... I've done TEN things RIGHT... be it a photo I take so intense that it takes my breath away, the sincere Thank You of someone when I hold the door for them, standing on a mountain top, seeing more in that one moment than many will see in a lifetime, or standing on a dirty street corner of a far away city, noticing the beauty in the lines of a cracked cement. it's often just split seconds... but These moments flow intensely through me, and fill me with a contentment that triumphs over any pat on the back, compliment, or blue ribbon... Anyone who knows me, knows i love praise, but it's the moments that well up inside of me, that i can't share, or describe with anyone, moments that no one else can share with me, that FILL me with Life, and the power to keep moving forward.
Tomorrow I'm off on another Northwestern Adventure, to mark my 5 years here, and I'm happy to know that i'm finally headed in the direction that I intended long ago when i wrote these paragraphs on my arrival here. There is so much I'd like to add... So much I'd love to share. So many stories I want to continue telling... Maybe I will. If only i could STOP creating stories, photographic, and otherwise, to sit down and get it done...
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